Stand Back

Back in 2009, there began a journey to a probable destination. I was sure of how it will end. Perhaps the most sure I have ever been. That time was a moment of clarity. Things were either good or bad. Then, as the journey progressed, the destinations changed, I changed. And today, after almost a year or so, I am writing about something I had promised that I won't.

In these four years so many things were left behind and that journey itself has become a limbo. It's become the only thing I am unsure of...unsure of its meaning, its tangents, and its form. While its been a beautiful journey, it has turned into something perhaps I will never be able to resolve. Maybe the point is to keep it tangled  up in itself.

I guess they just see through you. And you're so busy being harsh on yourself that you give them the benefit of doubt. Maybe the point is to slow down and stop yourself from withering. Because its only fear which stands between you and them.


***

Further | Longview

Grey Winter

I always fall back to my music in times of dejection, silence and disappointment. I curl up inside my cocoon and refuse to come out until all my playlists are exhausted. And then I emerge as your quintessential 22 year old female.

So what do you do when your disappointments seem to outrun your playlists and your general good opinion of the close ones begins to crumble?

I am not a particular fan of December, however much I might try every year to be one. This month is dark and hurtful. You're alone in your bed, thinking of all the great winters that you could have had, would have had.

***

Winter | Daughter

Oh, winter comes
Oh, winter crush all of the things that I once loved. 

Born Ready!

I do not have much to talk about or say anything. What I do have is a very particular set of songs which make me a very productive employee at my workplace. (Cutting the Taken crap)

I was never a big fan of electronic music and then this amazing man introduced me to Pretty Lights, then I explored more artists from his label. This isn't new, you know. But I am in love with Gramatik. Listen to him and be a rockstar at work. Or otherwise also. You can always be a rockstar! Go change the world and dance at the after-party!

Born Ready | Gramatik

***

I am usually happy person. I like to spread laughter. Then again, who doesn't? =)
Happy rest of December. And yes. I work now. =D
Its kind of cool. My workplace has a big ass library. Go figure! 

=)

Religious people fascinate me. I am not a practicing Hindu or Sikh. I do not follow one particular set of doctrines or religious beliefs. But these people fascinate me. Sometimes I think that they're foolish of believing in something nobody has seen; in something whose existence is such a big question mark. They must be so vulnerable. Then again, I feel that these people are strong maybe. They choose to believe in God or some Supreme Power, and have this trust factor with something so invisible. They give "feelings" and "sentiments" such superior value. They must be so sure of themselves for believing and sometimes even crediting God for the good that's happened to them.

I do not understand deep rooted religious feelings and beliefs. I refrain from using religious comments or point of view. And I do not know what triggered this thought process.

Anyway, new things are happening in life. The year is coming to an end. And its my best friend's birthday today. =)

***

Now Playing: Tanha | Sanjeev T ft Ujjayinee Roy

You know I listened to Sanjeev Thomas LIVE and I hated him so much. He was probably drunk and took up so much stage time. The Sabri Brothers had to cut down on their performance and Papon performed just one song. So yes, my hatred for him was very justified. But I stumbled upon MTV during one of their moments of bliss when they actually air music. And this song was playing. I don't know if I like the song because of the woman's voice or because of his. Nonetheless, happy to know that there's more to him than being patronizing to Literature enthusiasts. =)

In a very content mood. 

Later. -x-

Air and Light and Time and Space

Have I ever told you that I absolutely adore comic strips? Well...allow me to share one of my favorites. Gavin Aung Than is one creative smartass. He makes famous words by famous people look more attractive. No, he is not paying me to advertise for him, but I like to share works of amazing people.

Read it in full screen, or better click here.

Posting this because I do not have anything else to write/share. Life is snail-paced, and mundane. And people have been disappointing. 

OkayBye.

Passionflower and Alter-Ego =)

You know how we are always so comfortable, sitting in our little cocoon? We love it in our little bubble. Well, I am not different. I haven't been quite the extrovert in sharing my poetry, as I have been in other areas of life. So, the other day, after spending hours sitting in front of the laptop and trying to decide if I should hit the Send button, I thought to giving it a shot.

So here's my first step to trying to come out of my bubble, sharing my poetry, and being a little more open. Click HERE to read it. I love this initiative and have read some amazing stuff here. So if you're a budding writer or just a shy one (like me), go ahead and submit your work here. If not, then just read mine and others' =D

In other updates, I am desperately waiting for this year to end. And after you're done reading Writers Asylum, go watch this.  Do NOT ignore. Please go and watch :)

***

Mother is back and I have to admit, it was sort of fun having the whole house to myself for three days. And I get these scary realizations every now and then that I am 22 and I am not doing much with life. At least not as much as I had wanted to. Well... I think we're making slow but steady progress. Anyway, even if you don't read that poem, watch that video. OkayBye.

-x-

10 Random Things I Love

1. Ice cream sandwich in December.
2. The part of The Ellen Degeneres' Show when they show her talking to kids. That's the only time I like kids.
3. Colourful pages.
4. Momos from Campus and from Dharamkot.
5. Laughing before going to bed.
6. Waking up to the smell of masala tea.
7. My best friend's smile.
8. Photos of my brother when he was three. That's when my folks lived in the hills and clicked amazing shots of him in the valleys, holding well....earthworms. But not the point. 
9. Quick home delivery of books and everything else.
10. Walking from Janpath to Block-B of CP, on a foggy January evening. 

***

NP: Giving Me Life | SuperVision

So in short, I am missing winters. I am missing them more so because I would be at home, away from the hustle and bustle of Delhi. In all honesty, I do not like living in a suburb. Its mundane, boring, and too quiet. I am keeping myself busy by listening to artist from the Pretty Lights Music Label. To top it all, the car is thrashed. Will not be returned before Sunday. Also, tomorrow is the lamest and the most sexist festival of Hindus. And I am wearing a Miller polo tee. Oh the irony!

Later.
-x-

If The Plane Goes Down, Damn...

I have deactivated Facebook. (Yay!) Firstly, it was getting obscenely boring to read the same type of updates by everyone and see the same kind of pictures uploaded. Second, it had turned more like a reminder that almost everybody is living a better life than you are...with girls going to Europe to study further, boys working in music festivals, and kids..well... kids were being the same.. posing for their DSLR cameras and Instagram-ing their duck faces with captions such as "Me and mah bestie at le Sunburnz". Yes! Sadly, I know such kids. *facepalm*

I have had a Twitter account for the last two years, but only recently did I become more frequent there. And now, I like it better. Its short and crisp and you can always indulge in conversations with yourself. My twitter handle is @shroooti_singh. Not that I post any interesting updates, but whatever.

So the primal dilemma right now is: Do I follow my heart into choosing a career which would stimulate me intellectually and creatively

Or

Do I continue with the rat-race, ignore the inspiration I get every time I watch Wake Up Sid! and hope to become the corporate slave my beloved khandaan expects me to be?

I shall update this space with the choice I made. But I am sure everybody has been through this fix. If you have, please bless me with your words. I am in a dire need to get this clutter off of my head.

In other important news, I FINALLY got a new laptop. [Heeee :D]. Its so pretty and sleek. And the best part is the battery. Yes. Its a very big factor, considering that I have used an Acer which worked for just 11 minutes without being plugged-in. So you get my happiness, right?!
I am not particularly excited for the impending festival season. Its like a burden to be chirpy and happy when its actually just overrated. Small families living in big cities in their big mansions, watching the Diwali Mega Blast on TV channels on their big LED screens. That's festive season, summarized.

In short, life is like the Jason Mraz song, Plane. "...I'll remember where the love was found."

***

I am trying for a couple of internships... anything to keep the volatile mind of mine from falling prey to the wonderful existential words of Kafka, Camus and Nietzsche. I am dealing with the twenty-something crisis of life. 
Much love to Jason Mraz, and to you, dear Reader. 

-x-

Every Life is a Lie.

Falling in love is so overrated. The concept of companionship is more of a necessity. We waste our life searching for "the one". Sometimes, we assume that this xyz person is the one. The one who will make my day better by a mere smile or a passionate kiss. I am amazed at how we are always ready to give second chances, ready to rebuild dreams. We are so keen on lying to ourselves just to define a sense of security. In all totality, we are scared beings. Too scared to live a life on our own terms. Afraid to define life by the moments when we were truly free...when we were absolutely happy.

I came across this article here. Such a simple question. How do you live your life? Keep the answer to yourself or send it to the author. But just do yourself a favor. Answer the question.

I feel life is like a playlist. You listen to one track. Go on to the next one. And repeat. You shouldn't keep songs you dislike in your playlist. You shouldn't have to skip even one song. I think that is how life should be. You shouldn't have to skip anything. It should be the way you operate a playlist. If you doze off when there still are eight tracks to listen, you carry on with it the next day.

Love is overrated. Not that I don't believe in it. I do. But I don't understand the Romantic and glorified version of it. Nobody comes in your life for you. They come in your life for themselves. So do you.
It is like that old statement. You help each other to take off clothes before sex, you hardly ever help each other put them back on after you're done.

So lets try one thing. Lets stop pretending.

***

NP: Promise | Ben Howard

Who am I, darling for you?
Who am I?
Going to be a burden in time...
I come alone here. 

***

Do read that article. And listen to Ben Howard. That's my remedy for a bad day.
-x-

Of Change and its Sisters.

Rain does not follow the storm,
There is silence in the winds.
The smoke is lost in my absence,
And blank pages no longer yearn to be filled.

Patterns have changed.
I am no longer me,
And yet there is peace!

***

Now Playing: Refur | Sigur Rós

"It seems, as one becomes older, that the past has another pattern, and ceases to be a mere sequence." - T.S. Eliot.

Agreeably, I love war-affected poets and authors. There is truth and nakedness in their work. There is reality in their words. 

They Lied About The Cookies

Kids ask their parents about growing up. Then the parents tell them that they should enjoy the childhood while it lasts. I wasn't different. I pestered my mother with "adulthood" questions throughout junior school. She kept the consistency in her answers.

I asked my  brother how it felt like being an adult, taking responsibility in a foreign land, all by yourself? He said that it had its perks but he was struggling. And his friends were struggling. And everybody he knew was struggling. That didn't match well with my idealized version of growing up.

I am 22. I spend hours in front of the laptop, studying, taking tests, and trying to find as many interesting courses to study as I can. And every night, just before going to sleep, I think of the question I asked all my cousins. How is it like being an adult and taking your own decisions?

Adulthood is so overrated.

Being a grown-up sucks. I miss the days when the only worry I had was to gulp down a big scoop of ice-cream, and the only thing I feared was Dad's supposed death-stare if I was up past bedtime.

Precisely depicts my state of mind.

NP: Time | Pink Floyd

***

The dark side was not as sweet as they promised! How would we get through life if there were no Pink Floyd. Sigh!

Twenty-Too!!

13th September, 2013 will remain a very significant day in my life. Not only is it a Friday, but also because today I am free.

If I write about you on my blog; if I even mention you in a passing sentence, then know that either I despise you or I love you a lot. And if you do not know how to value either, then kindly take your ass and rub it against a thorn-bush for thirteen hours. Yes. 

Now, I had one of the best birthdays ever. I spent the day with my closest friends, ate amazing food, looked sexy, went to my favorite restaurant, and got amazing presents. What more do you want? I even made my dad pose for a picture together and THAT is RARE. Today, I feel so blessed that I have such amazing people around me... people who have always made me feel special and loved. 

There was no cake. No candles. My birthday started on a rough note, but I took perhaps the best decision of my life till now. It is amazing how just one day your patience gives up on you. And for good! 

The best Friday the 13th since 1991. 

I am finally 22 y'all!! 

Happy day. Happy people. Happy place. 

Thank God It was Friday =D

***

Today was an eventful day. Also, 16th December accused will die! And I have started watching Grey's Anatomy. Still getting accustomed to the whole TV series thing. But its good. Though I don't like Meredith.

Happy To Me!! :)

Now Playing: Bad To The Bone | George Thorogood

Anger Management

I want to pack my blog in a box and throw the box in the sea. And I want to do that to One boy, my phone, a couple of friends, and basically everything/everyone I see right now.

Yes.

That is what I want to do right now, other than eat chocolates till I die, listen to my Anger Management playlist, and slap the boy across the face.

And maybe run to Italy, without the million questions, answers, consequences, and what-ifs.

OkayBye.

Birthday Month!!!

Since its past midnight and because I am already very tired by now, I'll just give a quick update.

But first, HAPPY SEPTEMBER!!! IT IS MY BIRTHDAY MONTH.

The update is that I bought a crazy number of books from the Book Fair last week, have no space for new books now, I will be 22 this month, and I'm finally earning (in a stable arrangement) (yay!)

No motivation for creative writing. But I will write very very soon. Till then admire this:

Now Playing: Pink Floyd Time Remix | Pretty Lights

***

I'm usually not a very big fan of remixes but Pretty Lights is an exception.  

Kisses and lots of kisses. 

-x-

One song and one page at a time.

Celebrating Book Lover's Day today. Reading Rob Sheffield's Love is a Mix-Tape for the fifth time. This is one of my favourites. If you haven't read it already, I suggest you do! 

I haven't made a mix-tape or a playlist for anybody else but me. Nobody has made a mix for me either. I hope someday this does change. Till then, I am going to enjoy this book. 

Picture Courtesy: deviantArt

I was reading a poem by my idol, Wallace Stevens, in which he said, ‘The self is a cloister of remembered sounds.’ My first response was, Yesss! How did he know that? It’s like he’s reading my mind. But my second response was, I need some new sounds to remember. I’ve been stuck in my little isolation chamber for so long I’m spinning through the same sounds I’ve been hearing in my head all my life. If I go on this way, I’ll get old too fast, without remembering any more sounds than I already know now. The only one who remembers any of my sounds is me. How do you turn down the volume on your personal-drama earphones and learn how to listen to other people? How do you jump off one moving train, marked Yourself, and jump onto a train moving in the opposite direction, marked Everybody Else? I loved a Modern Lovers song called, ‘Don’t Let Our Youth Go to Waste,’ and I didn’t want to waste mine

***

Now Playing: Center of Attention | Jackson Waters

Every time I look at her these days, a movie flashes before my eyes. A scene where she is young and gorgeous, roaring to face life and the very next moment, the flashback ends- she is in her bed, quiet, thinking, going through physical pain which none of us would understand. I want to help her. I tell her everyday that she is the most beautiful woman I know and that I love her immensely.

I am not sure if she still listens to me. She is my only friend right now. She is my only listener.
And every time I see that look of pain on her face, I die a little inside. I do not care if I live my life alone, I don't want to lose her. I want to be selfish and keep her with me till I face my middle-age crisis.

Truthfully, I am petrified. I might just lose her.


***

Twenty Years | Augustana

Midnight Rants.

My friend asked me a couple of days ago, "What is your idea of a perfect monsoon evening?"

A cup of strong tea, a balcony overlooking a garden with lush green creepers, a bedroom with deep red walls, and beautiful jazz playing on the stereo. 

Its another thing that it hasn't been the best of monsoons this time. But I have learned that imagination is indeed very important and a strong determining factor of how your life might turn out to be. So yes, someday, I do wish to have my perfect monsoon evening.

***

NP: I've Got To See You Again | Norah Jones

I love my music and I love sharing it. So please go ahead. Click on the name and enjoy the jazz. 
Miss Jones, what divinity!! 

Yves Klein; Leap Into The Void

This is one of my all-time favorite photographs. 

-x-

Alive =)

Read that. Click here.

And enjoy.

***

Official Reasons to Miss DU.

Wednesday night, this draft had a different opening line. It was on the lines of Chuck Palahnuik's Fight Club. About death and life and pain and meaning of all these things! And then my phone buzzed.

So and so posted in Facebook Group "Lit Majors"- Third Year Results Out. Honestly, I sank for a while. That was not what I wanted to see that night. I was dealing with some terrible news already. Result would have only added to the misery. Gathered all the energy to open the link. The server is too busy. Perfect! And it has been "too busy" ever since. But yes. I am, officially, a Graduate. Bachelors in English Literature successfully completed.
College has been great. I have made friends for life. I have learned beyond measure. I have evolved into a much better person. And I have enjoyed three years of that (in)famous DU life. (TeeHee). You know the best part of living in campus? It was the ability to just be part of everything happening. You would step out of your room, to get some momos or have that amazing shake at the Big Yellow Door or give your jeans for alteration or just any random thing, and you would be in the middle of either a peaceful candle march by NE students, a full fledged angry protest march by AISA or just a group of boys dressed in black, strumming guitar and singing Silk Route songs. The whole ambiance was just killer! In these three years I have had almost every kind of experience associated with college life, and particularly to DU. I have had a heart-break; stalkers (both male and female); crazy roomies- so crazy that I am going to write an exclusive post just on the variety of people I have stayed with (make that 9 roomies in 3 years); crazier friends; suckers for professors; too cool to handle professors; attendance issues; late night dangers; etc etc.

I am emotional about it, yes. But it is a very big relief. As Daddy said "It's a milestone. Many more to cross."
I miss my college and life at campus already. I go there every weekend but it doesn't feel the same anymore. I see new faces every time. Freshers. And though DU is down the dumps with the FYUP, it continues to attract kids and keep them Bambi-eyed for at least a year.
I just recalled this one day when my friends and I decided to do what college girls were supposed to do. So we went to 975 (I miss this place!) and we had a Hookah. I honestly hate it. I cannot fathom the purpose of it. And then we grew up soon after. Began going to more "decent" places. Mocha. Route 04. Crazy Noodles. Dunkin' Donuts. Coffee Houses. 4-star restaurants. And then there was My Bar, for the last week of the month. There were ice-creams at India Gate. Pani-puri at Bengali Mkt. And events at Mandi House. Sigh!

Being a Graduate feels old. And I guess the only reason I could still love Delhi was because I was in college. I had something to look forward to each day. There was a sense of belonging. A sense of responsibility. At home, everything is taken care of. I am not very good with living like that. I miss waking up at 6:30 to keep my bucket in the bathroom, to claim that I will bathe first. And I really miss chatting with the Momo guy about how I should not eat so much of that spicy chutney. What I don't miss is attending MB's lectures. Boy, those lectures were death. Not just ordinary death. It was death by putting out the fire on your face by a fork! I am sure she must have made some sense in all those long lectures about Piccadilly, Westminster bridge, Big Ben and blah-blah.Yes. I do not miss that!

So Yay! for being a Literature graduate. And I am going to sign this post off in typical Literary fashion.

My words fly up, my thoughts remain below: Words without thoughts never to heaven go.

- Shakespeare, Hamlet.

***

Now Playing: Lullaby | The Cure

I hated Shakespeare when I entered college. And now look at me, quoting him and shit. =D

Also, that picture was taken after a sad attempt at Crossing the Abbey Road pose. Watch Despicable Me 2. SO FUNNY!

Until next time, lots of love. Stay close to your best friends. They matter more than any boy(friend) or girl(friend). 

-x-

For the Jock's Birthday!

It was six years ago that I first joined Blogger. It was an itch that I wanted to get rid of. Some of it was the disappointment that I couldn't be as close to my big brother as I would like to. Some of it was just the plain reason that I wanted to channelize my energy into something constructive, rather than being curious about stuff I already knew. Now that I have a stable blog, I realised that I never really talked about my brother here. Why? Because once I did that...wrote about him. Sent him the link. And he flipped out. My plan of letting him know that I miss him backfired and he ended up telling me that I should stick to phone calls et cetera.

I am not going to send him this link. He might not even read this. But I want to give him this space on my blog. So my brother and I have gotten really close. We share almost everything. Almost! Its good to say that now, at this point in time, when I am 21 (soon 22. yikes!) and he is 28, we understand each other better than we did some years back. He seems to be okay with the kind of boys I like. And I was never really curious about his girlfriends. I have been a good sister. Never nagged. And he has been one hell of a big brother. He made sure I don't end up with a loser of a boyfriend. Or have a broken heart. And when I did, he was there trying his best to fix it, and telling me that it was always the other guy's loss. He still tells me that. He has been there, encouraging me and always telling me to push my limits, to soar higher. And he has also been the reason I like to splurge once in a while. Every girl should have a big brother like him because when he takes you out to shop, you can practically buy the entire mall. And I am not even kidding. He spoils me. Gives me cool stuff. Did you know I have an Apple Inc bag pack?! I like to flaunt it. And he works for Apple Inc.
But apart from all the cool stuff he lets me buy or splurge on, he has been a very strong support system in my life. He has understood me when my mother could not, which is a great deal because our mother is the coolest and the most understanding woman you would find. He has been tough on people who have hurt me. And he has been tougher on me to shape me into who I am now.

I just hope that he knows how proud I am of him. He has worked hard, very hard in fact, to be where he is right now. And literal hard work. Physical and mental. He has his flaws but since 2nd July is his birthday, I will keep from posting his flaws here. Birthdays should be only about good things. It makes me feel bad that I couldn't really be a part of many of his birthday celebrations because well, he is 6 years older than me and you know how men are. They like to be with their boy gang. He is 28. And I love him immensely.
Of course I want him to be happy forever but who are we kidding! That does not happen. So I wish that he gets the strength to come out of his sorrows and problems, and the grace and humility to accept his happiness and success.

I think I am going to send him a postcard. We decided on that recently. Also, he is single and rich.

***

Now Playing: On Top | Flume ft. T-Shirt

He likes to listen to some music which I don't really relate to. But this one song is good. It is actually interesting how I cannot know for sure which music he loves the most. But yes, both of us have a LOT in common as far as luck in love, and movie choices are concerned. So Happy Birthday Bhaiya. It's already his birthday in Australia. I miss you. 

Walk Back.

We turn. 

Wait and walk back.

We sing.

Stop and  forget the notes.

We laugh.

Lie and make a wish.

We meet.

Smile and touch a firefly.

We dance.

Leave and fear a fall.

We turn.

Wait and walk back.

Hold the clock close.

Hear the needles find way.

Fear the time.

Wait and walk back.

I am here.

Home is here. 

***

Courtesy: here.

All I want is nothing more

To hear you knocking at my door

'Cause if I could see your face once more

I could die as a happy man I'm sure.

All I Want | Kodaline

***

We will continue yearning because we put certain people on a pedestal. I will always have a false hope, beyond the scope of anybody's understanding- that there will be a day when I will just meet you after years, and will not walk up to you... because that wouldn't be home and that wouldn't be where we belong. 

This band- sheer brilliance. 

-x-

Hilly Coolth

This one week will remain as one of the most memorable time in my life, as of now. Going to places is not a big deal. You do the bookings, you pay for your tickets, and you're there. You have great company and so you enjoy. But this one week was a lot more than that. I had a hell lot of amazing food. Trekked to gorgeous places. Ran down a hill to eat some delicious chocolates. And spent the week in an air so pure that my skin had never been so radiant before.

I am going to update you with some detailed travel posts. But till then, here's a suggestion- if you haven't been to Dharamshala-McLeodganj as of now, please do plan a trip (after all the rescue operations have been done because you don't want your folks in the plains to get worked up watching all that news on TV). Just for the record, it did not rain the entire week I was there. Gorgeous weather coupled with amazing food and company- you have your dream vacation. Also, this place is a paradise for shoppers.

I found this on my way to a place called The Chocolate Log. You see, they just made HRC much more cool. 

Beautiful, beautiful place!

***

Now Playing: Far Away | Ingrid Michaelson

A detailed travel post coming up next. I am just coping with chaotic house renovation and sudden snap back to reality. But I am hungover. So going back there whenever I get time. 

-x-

The Would-Have-Beens

What would have happened if you had taken that one extra step when you stood at my door? Would things be better or would they have been the same? What would I be like? What would you feel about your then future, now present? Had you taken that one extra step, things would have fallen into shards, if not into shackles, as they have now! Excitement would not have kicked in as it does now, every time that we slip into each other's clothes. Every thing was just so perfect back then. It would have remained that way, had you taken that one extra step. And that would have ruined every thing that we have now. Yes, we have a lot of unsaid words and gaps between us. We do have a lot of thought-block when we interact. Our conversations run either into awkward silences or into steamy bed sharing moments. But who would have thought that two people like us will end up sharing something so imperfect and chaotic that even spelling out the word "order" would become impossible and out of reach. We cannot have stability. Neither do we aim for it.

Who came back the same from a war anyway?!



***

Now Playing: Black Flies | Ben Howard

This man and this night. Beautifully chaotic. And dark. Last year, this day I was in Goa, feeling rejuvenated. This year, hopefully the hills would do that. Soon. Very soon. Until next time, listen to music- it will never leave you alone. 

-x- 

See You on the Other Side of Time.

What is your biggest fear? Not the trivial ones. What is that you just cannot handle? People whom I have come to know, all have certain fears. Some fear abandonment. Others fear death. Some fear failure. And then there are some who fear ignorance. I even know some who claim that there is nothing that they fear, which is great I think. I really want to be that kind of a person...someone who does not fear anything. But then I think that somewhere they have a fear too. There always is something which we cannot tolerate; something which we cannot afford to handle. Maybe I am wrong. I hope I am wrong. I still like to believe that that stage can be attained. A stage where you outdo yourself for your sake and for no one else's. 

Change will always come and go. People change. You change. Your ideologies change. And if they don't then you're a sad-sad being. And then another reason for change is the fact that people leave. Sometimes, people leave because they've changed. They need or want change. I have my stream of consciousness mode on these days so I do think a lot about what I really want and what I fear the most. And I realized that being alone is not what I am scared of, as I thought so till now. In fact, I want to live alone for a good three-four years. I really want that for myself. However, there are certain people that I really love a lot. And I would give anything to have the time spent with them back. They are the people who have had an impact so strong that it is difficult to attain closure. And then you wait. You wait in the hope that someday you will be able to relive the good memories and not worry of the sour taste that follows. At least I do. 

It is funny how I feel torn when people I am close to leave but at the same time I keep repeating that I need to leave this place. I mean I am sure there are people who would miss me if I did that. At least I like to think so. Though in all honesty, people get used to others not being around. I am used to do that too. And I will get accustomed to two of my beloved people not being here. But that doesn't mean that I will not miss them. I miss them already. 

We all lose certain important people in our life. We lose them and we move on. We meet new people and they become important to us. I am not very sure if they replace the other people. And sometimes the new people lose their charm too. And you lose them eventually. So this constant tension between getting close to people and then losing them, or they going away, gets a little difficult. I am not very good with handling separation and I admit it. Though I am trying to work on that.
I usually like to make myself feel better that I am not the only one going through emotional stress of separation. There are people I know who have it a lot worse. But right now, I don't want to think like that. Sometimes I ask myself as to why do I let them in. They eventually leave. I know I have left some people too. But that was never difficult.. for neither of us. In true reality, I have never left anyone alone. If I walked away, there was someone ready to provide closure to them. 

These "important" people tell me to visit them when they're gone. I just hope that they find a way back. And if they don't then I hope I can move ahead. I have a lot of "whys" in my head but I guess I will leave that out. I wanted to vent out. Wanted to write about this humongous wave of inner conflict and chaos. 

I think it is time to close certain chapters of life and keep the book in the deepest corner of the old-dusty shelf, for no good can be attained in trying to find answers to the numerous "whys". My friend told me that she blindly believes in the fact that ignorance is bliss. I just hope she realizes that there is a very fine line between ignorance and negligence, but it does exist. 

For all that matters to me right now is to spend these ten odd months at home, trying to figure out what I have become, discover new music, discover new habits and most importantly, build a future where I don't have to face separation every time things are going fine. Because for now, even I cannot make sense of it. Karma doesn't add up very well for now. I know I am a good person and I wish these two asses who are leaving the best in life. Because I don't know if I will ever see them again. If I would ever like to see them again. When my brother left, I was really alone. I refuse to let that happen again. And so, Grooveshark is my new best friend and writing the other.
I am actually keeping a journal these days. It has a lot of cool stuff... lines from favourite authors, poets and songs. Bucket lists. Love letters. Poetry. And simple words. I am trying to open up with myself. I even note down new music discoveries in that. The best part is that I don't have feel vulnerable if someone reads it. There is no one who would read it.

***

Now Playing: Poorest King | Ten Shekel Shirt

***

This American band is my latest station. Their songs are simple, relatable and most importantly,nostalgic. 

I really like American alternative rock bands from local neighborhoods. Do click on the link on the band's name and give it a listen. They're quite good. Until next time, read great books and listen to great music, and keep sane. 

-x-

The Chase

She often quoted Shakespeare for me, to me. After we would be done with the usual chores of the night, she would often whisper lines, which sounded so sweet that I couldn't resist kissing her, but I never really understood them. I did not possess the patience to take even a graphic novel, let alone a full fledged novel or a play to read! I was not that kind of a man. I still am not. But she read. She read a lot. And she listened to a lot of music. I worked. And I worked a lot. Sometimes I would find her on the couch, her reading glasses calmly sitting on her nose, a fat book in one hand, and a cup of tea in the other. Only rarely did that cup of tea was replaced by white wine or a vodka-martini. She had a lot of taste. Whatever objects our house had which gave it a little more meaning were from her. But she spent too much time reading. It was as if she was still looking for someone in me; someone who would be as good looking and as compassionate than some of her fictional heroes. But I was not. I am not. She never let it come between us though. Her book shelf and her music shelf were always her world. I respected that because she respected my world. Though I always felt incomplete in her eyes.

My world had what she called "obscenely materialistic" things. Beer. Work. Money. Little bit of sports. Sex. And some old whiskey. I did not have the time to catch up on the latest bands, or follow what my favorite movie actor was wearing to the premier. I didn't care. I don't care. The only reading I did was the newspaper every morning. That was pretty much I could handle. She always chuckled when I said that. Her laugh was beautiful. It gave her a halo. The thing we had in common was the love for cigarettes. That was perhaps the only thing I beat her at. She smoked ten a day. I smoked fifteen. She was always filled with amazing words. One day she told me how she was aware that I think a lot. That I dream a lot. That I should perhaps just let it loose. And let her in. I never knew any words. So I could never really tell her that she was always there. I know that all of us go through disappointments. You wake up one morning and you feel disappointed. But what really scared me was the thought that what if You were the disappointment! She always smiled at me. She always was kind to me. Even when she would be searching for a Mr. Darcy in me, she would always find a Jimmy Porter. She told me this, by the way. I still don't know these two men. I don't want to know. I don't want to be her disappointment. The only thing I could provide for her was perhaps a space- in my house, in my life, and in my thoughts.

"So then what happened?"

Then... one night she spoke softly, Perdition, catch my soul; but I do love thee. And when I love thee not, chaos is come again.
My eyes were not open. But I feared that chaos.

And when I woke up, she was still a part of my mind. She was still...just a part of my mind.

***

Slipped Into Your Skin | Patrick Watson 

Clandestine.

What were we a while ago?

Silly kids with magic wands in one hand,

And the dreams of what now seem the yesteryear,

In the other!

What were You a while ago?

You were a whiff of the smoke

Which touched my lips for the first time-

Promising to remain in the stains,

Never solid enough to contain.

What was I a while ago?

I really don't remember.

***

Now Playing: The Woods | Stars

You know what. I Love You. :-)

P.S: The picture is a quote from Bukowski. 

Infinity.

I wish language never changed, and meanings were not subjective. I wish there were only black or white, and the gray never existed (not even the possibility of it being made from the two colours). And I wish I could be strong enough to let go. 

If only there was a way of not wishing so much. And if only there were enough words to explain the infinite simplicity in all finite complexity. 

***

This picture. Because we all need to live our dream once. And also for the love of floating lanterns

Now Playing: Stay Out Of Trouble | Kings of Convenience

And now I am going to come back to write again only when I am motivated enough, which might not happen for some time. Lets spend some time trying to figure out how Change works. 

Peace. 

The Sicilian!

There was a smile at the end of each sentence he said. He had mischievous eyes, one of those which you cannot escape looking at. They spilled a lot of uninterrupted warmth. The contours on his forehead faded into a sense of isolated magnificence. You know...the one which doesn't tell you everything but tells you enough to be charmed by the other person? Like that. Precisely. When he laughed, his cheeks lifted, exposing his cheek bones. He wasn't very filled in the face you see. Just the right amount of flesh! The complexion was the usual...very rugged, very tanned, almost glistening- like gold! Black hair with a tinge of deep brown. His eyes- deep brown. I remember his hair was light- easy with the winds- always in its direction! When he walked into the room, nobody looked at him. They, of course, had much more important and interesting people by their side. I was alone- with a book in my hand. He walked in and greeted people he knew. He did not know me. He does not know me. He said a pleasant "Hello!" His voice emanated a fine blend of coldness and a pleasant articulation of what his eyes suggested. He knew he charmed another woman. I smiled back. "I am Darius." I continued smiling, and we shook hands. I told him my name.

We did not talk after that. I left the party. He must have left it too. I heard and saw him laugh with a couple of people we both knew. He had the most beautiful laughs I have ever heard on a man! As I was walking down the street, towards home, I could not stop recalling that vibrant and exclusive smile of Darius- the only Sicilian I ever had the chance to meet and make eye contact with.

***

Now Playing: Song For You by Alexi Murdoch
(because I think of him when I listen to this song)

He comes in my dreams sometimes. It is odd. I know nothing but his name and the place he belongs to. I never made effort to know more- for the fear that he might not be as charming as he is in my mind. I love people who smile often. They are more comforting, easy to be with. 
I thought I would write about it since he is one of the most good looking people I have seen. 
Also, listen to Alexi Murdoch, if you have not yet. Him, and Patrick Watson.  

Until next time, listen to great music and love yourself. 

Summer Ink

The following is the only picture I have of my ink. This will remain one of the most celebrated things that I have done so far. And since college finally bid us farewell yesterday I felt like sharing it. So with this, I strike off the first 2 points in my bucket list for 2013. Got a tattoo done. Enjoyed the last three months of college to the fullest. 

Now, studying for final year exams, and trying to earn some money. Home is as good as it gets. I miss the carefree craziness of Delhi though. The room is revamped, my way. Lots of comfortable laughter, sleep, great food, Mommy, Daddy and Kevin. And also, unlimited internet  =D
Though my mother is a little upset about all that music in my room all day-all night. Well, we'll figure that out!
Iron Man 3 is impeccable! Go watch it if you haven't already. 

Now Playing: Back In Black | AC/DC

***

I need to get the matraa fixed. I am really going to miss going to college everyday and meeting the crackwhores! I am going to miss you DU!!! *sniff*

Happy Summer =)

Oh Dear Sicily!

The day I actually begin with my life, I am going to save money, catch the plane, and travel across Sicily. Not with anyone else but me. I want to travel alone to Palermo- walk barefoot on the brick streets, touch the age old doors, breathe that air and fulfill this one burning desire in me! 

I asked my friend what his dream destination was. He replied, "I am too caught up with career shit to think about it!" I felt sad. I felt vulnerable. I thought what if I am caught in that web too?? How could you allow your career/marriage/relationships/etc to overshadow that bucket list you made with the first love of your life? It does not matter if you're with your first love or not...but the bucket list is right there! 

We look for a "decent" job to 

1) buy a good car 

2) live comfortably/luxuriously 

3) buy clothes/shoes/bags/other stuff 

4) get married to someone who too has a "decent" job

5) fornicate in five star hotel rooms during honeymoons

6) make kids and send them off to expensive schools

7) give our kids arrogance for which we are working our ass off everyday

This very day, I promise myself that I am going to add a point right before point 1)

Travel. 

Picture Courtesy: deviantArt

***

Now Playing: Pretty Face | Sóley

If I ever have a daughter, I will name her Sicily! 

Let There Be Chaos, Always!

That touch which is so very You, that has the ability to fill the room with laughter and lovesick marks on the sheets- it makes me want to do things. It makes me want to take a leap into the future, rewrite the possibilities and replace order and perfection with chaos, imperfection, secrets and complete disorder. It makes me want to mix all the colours and melt the crayons thereafter. It makes me want to remove Time and float into an illogical space, with no chronology and no sense of loss.

***

One of those self-confessional days. I have been in love with the same person for the last four years. There are no compulsions, no promises... just the presence. Sometimes physical, sometimes in a figment of imagination. She calls it my inability to come to terms with reality. I call it the reality. I am here. He is here. We're not together but we're here. We're here! Right here! 

La-La-La-La

An otherwise really boring/lazy/dull day, this day turned out to be quite cool. What made my day??

Half an hour ago I was texting with my brother and he told me to YouTube some songs as I have NO space left in my laptop. Yes! I have achieved the unattainable. All the storage devices have been exhausted. The only storage left is in my phone but well let's not go there. iPhone is strange in that sense!
YouTube is the best thing that happened to the Internet. I opened it to watch some cool videos and the home screen had this:

You know I don't usually fall for Indian men (which is not a good thing since it limits my options). BUT!!!! This one video is a major turn on. The song is quite stilly. Who cares?! Ranbir Kapoor gives me hope that there still might be some decent looking Indian men left to ogle at! Also, he does that one step better than the professional dancers at the back. *.*

***

The things I like about living alone in a room are the freedom to one, wear anything you like and two, dance at absolutely any time and to anything. Everyone should live alone at some point in their life! It teaches you to love yourself- something which a lot of us are sadly unable to do. It also teaches you how to chill. 

Also, I have done some of the coolest projects this term. One was Male Habits and the Contemporary Woman and now I am working on analyzing the movie Pulp Fiction as an example of postmodern art. English literature is one hell of a discipline. So glad that I studied it for these three years. 
Reading Charles Bukowski these days. I love what he says: Find what you love and let it kill you!
On my way, Bukowski. 

Lots of love. 
-x-

Footsteps

First it poured down the bed sheets. Then it followed the boundaries made by those mosaic tiles. After that it crept into the lobby, down the stairs, along side the love songs. Finally, walked itself out of the house, to the streets, to where its heart was!

It did not feel like he had lost something or he had abandoned someone. It felt as if he was waiting for the words to etch into his memory so he could do away with their physical presence... as if he spent each day looking into its eyes, answering million questions, in a language completely alien to it; in words which isolated it from him! His laugh disgusted it. The way he undressed, the way he cooked, the way he cleaned his car... all of this made it hate him. He was not a stranger anymore. And this killed it.

He waited and watched; not moving a limb, not even twitching a muscle, he sat on the edge of the same bed sheets. Crumbled, wrinkled, dry dreams. It left him. He left him. The radio played Sinatra. Strangers in the night, exchanging glances.

It was She.

***

-x-

Roy.

Windows, drapes, balconies and chairs have a different connotation and meaning for her. She does not belong to the usual "look at me, I am damaged" creed of women. But you do look at her, when you know she is anger stricken and infected with intense love- not just for that someone but for everyone she is friends with, is related to. She is the epitome of passion! Having spent most of her time near windows, drapes, balconies and on chairs, she is synonymous with waiting. Life has come full circle for her. She loves to love. And she is even more passionate in her hatred. Her dedicated hatred for a few makes you drive toward her- with amazement and intrigue. Carrying the blackest eyes, she can take you down with her sharp words, and even sharper sense of directed condescension. Carving her life out to accommodate enough to drive her crazy, she has been one hell of a woman. You meet her for the first time and she will tell you how she wants to eat the Indian national bird. She will tell you that she can be everything she wants to be and ten times better at that- only, she choose not to, not at this moment, maybe. Maybe not. I do not quite know for sure.

She has taught me a lot in the last three years- knowingly/unknowingly, intentionally/unintentionally. Among other things, I have learned that it is not really about winning or losing; it is, in fact, about the game itself. How you play matters. Not how you win or lose. I love her supremely. I connect to her in a way I cannot to my own best friend of ten years. She is the only one I can discuss business with and not feel stupid about being premature. She is equally clueless about it as I am.

You, Roy, are one hell of a stunner. Stay the same. And we shall be great entrepreneurs, chilling and shopping in the hills (soon).

***

This is written under no influence. Not even emotional turbulence, PMS, etc. Roy, you're special. 

Lots of love.

-x-

***

Now Playing: Let It Be | The Beatles

Words.

Sing. Hate. Despise. Travel. Write. Listen. Read. Make music. Study. Laugh. Adopt a pet. Run. Watch the sunrise. Be angry. Make friends. Make enemies. Love. Wear pretty colours. Walk barefoot. Kiss. Dance. Shake hands. Hug. Head-bang. Get tattooed. Smile. Sleep naked. Paint your room. Play with pigeons. Click photographs. Wear kohl. Have sex. Watch plays. Free fall. Lie down in the grass. Sink in sand. Live. Trouble your siblings. Cry in laughter. Watch movies. Value things/people/everything. Believe in Karma. Spend one sleepless night. Move on. Give death-stares. Work. Drink tea. Stretch. Drive. Learn. Never be too patient. Do not be judgmental. Don't crib too much. Blow bubbles at India Gate. Have lots of ice cream. Get your navel/ear/eyebrow/all pierced. Don't watch too much TV. Don't overrate/exaggerate your pain. Attend concerts. Collect posters. Meet people.

And lastly, continue this list of random words.

***

Simplified. At Peace.

Now Playing: I Know The Truth | Pretty Lights.

Spring '13 =)

Happy March!! :)
Spring is my favorite season in Delhi. The sky is clear. It's always sunny during the day. The winds are just the right amount of cold. And you don't have to wear truck loads of clothes. Colors. Brightness. Spring!!

Since I had never posted what my college looks like I thought this was the right time. My college looks the most stunning in Spring. Fellas! That's my college. Indraprastha College for Women, University of Delhi. Ain't it pretty?! It used to be the office of the Governor during the British rule; so now it has the status of being a Heritage building under ASI.

In other important updates, Steve Aoki tops the playlist, projects galore, tattoo is one month old, and summer looks real good this year!

***

NP: Singularity | Steve Aoki & Angger Dimas ft. My Name Is Kay

***

I watched Into The Wild again last night. I loved this line "Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness, give me truth!"

Peace.

-x-

Blame It on the Fallen Sky!

Just for the record, I never stopped loving you Thom Yorke. 

Radiohead, You shall remain my best friend for all out-of-season rainy days wherever I may be...and for other days, of course.

***

-x-

For The Love of My Love!

Read that. And chill. Because life's good only when you're head is sorted.

***

Now Playing: Finally Moving | Pretty Lights

***

In other interesting news, I am reading this book Al Pacino- In Conversation with Lawrence Grobel. This has to be the best February ever. 
Till next time, lots and lots of love. 

xo

The Time Machine

Fall short of words,
They haven't done us any good
Anyway!
Go back to three years ago
Find yourself and call me
And
Lets make ourselves
A Time Machine.
Travel back and forth
And keep things new,
Making love in eras,
Falling short of words,
Again!
Wander on stone roads,
Cement makes me sad
And
Do the happy dance,
Free fall; more dance!
That game of free fall...
Whisper in my ear,
Wait for me to laugh
And then again
Fall short of words;
For we've always left
The best things
Unsaid. 


***

Now Playing: Something Beautiful | Odi

***

Hot Pink and S.

It is a little too late for the usual "Happy New Year" post in the new year.. but what the heck! Happy new year fellas!!

So many bucket lists being uploaded everywhere. I thought of posting mine too. But it was slightly long. Therefore I am going to post only a few items/things to be done this year. However they are not, by any chance, new year resolutions.

1. Get a tattoo. 
2. Enjoy the last three months of college to the fullest, thereby indulging in spending more time with college folks. *sniff*
3. Start dancing again.
4. Brush up Deutsch speaking skills and at least finish B-level. 
5. GAIN WEIGHT.
6. Start playing the sport again.
7. Be single [HAHAHA]
8. Read more than ever before. 
9. Write more often.
10. Chill. 

Point #7 made me laugh like a kid. #10 sums it up.

If I had to give one adjective to my current state of mind it would most definitely be "Chill". But that's been the case for most part of my life. It is thus established that I am "Chiller" person. Fuck. I am going to miss college. Terribly. *sniff*
Also, me working on getting a writing internship with a cool cool mag. Me reading a lot these days. Albert Camus is BLOODY HOT. Yes. I am a hyper person when it comes to dead men's physical attractiveness. I am going to  be 22 this year. That is NOT a very good feeling when most of your friends are still 20-21.

I like being chirpy. My tarot card reading (done by a very close friend) predicts that I am going to be satisfied person. No regrets. Sigh! I like the person I am becoming. :)

That is my photographer friend (she's bloody good- the modest kinds) and ME! 

How I am going to miss the Lou :')

Also, I LOVE BRIGHT COLORS.

Dilli :')

P.S: S = Shruti. Just sayin'

***

NP: Breakn' a Sweat | Skrillex ft. The Doors