Friday, May 31, 2013

See You on the Other Side of Time.

What is your biggest fear? Not the trivial ones. What is that you just cannot handle? People whom I have come to know, all have certain fears. Some fear abandonment. Others fear death. Some fear failure. And then there are some who fear ignorance. I even know some who claim that there is nothing that they fear, which is great I think. I really want to be that kind of a person...someone who does not fear anything. But then I think that somewhere they have a fear too. There always is something which we cannot tolerate; something which we cannot afford to handle. Maybe I am wrong. I hope I am wrong. I still like to believe that that stage can be attained. A stage where you outdo yourself for your sake and for no one else's. 

Change will always come and go. People change. You change. Your ideologies change. And if they don't then you're a sad-sad being. And then another reason for change is the fact that people leave. Sometimes, people leave because they've changed. They need or want change. I have my stream of consciousness mode on these days so I do think a lot about what I really want and what I fear the most. And I realized that being alone is not what I am scared of, as I thought so till now. In fact, I want to live alone for a good three-four years. I really want that for myself. However, there are certain people that I really love a lot. And I would give anything to have the time spent with them back. They are the people who have had an impact so strong that it is difficult to attain closure. And then you wait. You wait in the hope that someday you will be able to relive the good memories and not worry of the sour taste that follows. At least I do. 
It is funny how I feel torn when people I am close to leave but at the same time I keep repeating that I need to leave this place. I mean I am sure there are people who would miss me if I did that. At least I like to think so. Though in all honesty, people get used to others not being around. I am used to do that too. And I will get accustomed to two of my beloved people not being here. But that doesn't mean that I will not miss them. I miss them already. 

We all lose certain important people in our life. We lose them and we move on. We meet new people and they become important to us. I am not very sure if they replace the other people. And sometimes the new people lose their charm too. And you lose them eventually. So this constant tension between getting close to people and then losing them, or they going away, gets a little difficult. I am not very good with handling separation and I admit it. Though I am trying to work on that.
I usually like to make myself feel better that I am not the only one going through emotional stress of separation. There are people I know who have it a lot worse. But right now, I don't want to think like that. Sometimes I ask myself as to why do I let them in. They eventually leave. I know I have left some people too. But that was never difficult.. for neither of us. In true reality, I have never left anyone alone. If I walked away, there was someone ready to provide closure to them. 

These "important" people tell me to visit them when they're gone. I just hope that they find a way back. And if they don't then I hope I can move ahead. I have a lot of "whys" in my head but I guess I will leave that out. I wanted to vent out. Wanted to write about this humongous wave of inner conflict and chaos. 

I think it is time to close certain chapters of life and keep the book in the deepest corner of the old-dusty shelf, for no good can be attained in trying to find answers to the numerous "whys". My friend told me that she blindly believes in the fact that ignorance is bliss. I just hope she realizes that there is a very fine line between ignorance and negligence, but it does exist. 

For all that matters to me right now is to spend these ten odd months at home, trying to figure out what I have become, discover new music, discover new habits and most importantly, build a future where I don't have to face separation every time things are going fine. Because for now, even I cannot make sense of it. Karma doesn't add up very well for now. I know I am a good person and I wish these two asses who are leaving the best in life. Because I don't know if I will ever see them again. If I would ever like to see them again. When my brother left, I was really alone. I refuse to let that happen again. And so, Grooveshark is my new best friend and writing the other.
I am actually keeping a journal these days. It has a lot of cool stuff... lines from favourite authors, poets and songs. Bucket lists. Love letters. Poetry. And simple words. I am trying to open up with myself. I even note down new music discoveries in that. The best part is that I don't have feel vulnerable if someone reads it. There is no one who would read it.


Now Playing: Poorest King | Ten Shekel Shirt


This American band is my latest station. Their songs are simple, relatable and most importantly,nostalgic. 
I really like American alternative rock bands from local neighborhoods. Do click on the link on the band's name and give it a listen. They're quite good. Until next time, read great books and listen to great music, and keep sane. 



Arc man said...

Everything that has been written on this blog yet, Shru this one is my favorite. I also guess this is the longest being a growing up phase post. As usual enjoyed reading it and going take a thought or two to take home.

BTW: What is your biggest fear???

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Shruti said...

I am so glad you enjoyed reading it so much :-)

Oh my biggest fear is losing myself, over anyone! Twenty years down the line, I want to look back at myself and not feel betrayed by own reflection.

Kshipra said...

As you take time, to figure this life and yourself out I'll give my usual quote of harry potter reference. " The things we lose have a way of finding us back, not always in the ways we expect."

People who have touched our lives can never be replaced. All we can do is decide where to look.
Take care.

Shruti said...

The Harry Potter reference- beautiful. So was the last line you said. It is amazing how much we give people importance, sometimes over ourselves, and sometimes over everything that we have ever wanted.

I have come back a changed person. And its beautiful :-)